Friday, March 18, 2011

things that suck


It's now been a week since the sports massage that kicked off this wonderful chain of events, and I am not noticeably better.  I'm actually pretty (irrationally) angry at almost everything and everyone, and while I really do appreciate all of the comments, emails, calls, texts, it's hard to glean the support that is at the heart of it and ignore the pieces of "advice" that make me purple with rage.
Yes, I own a foam roller.  I purchased one in 2004 and spend plenty of time with it on a regular basis.
No, this IS NOT BECAUSE I DON'T TAKE ENOUGH REST DAYS.  This happened because I was out of alignment, and someone put me back, and none of us realized that I didn't have the strength in a few very small but important muscles buried deep inside my core to hold my sacrum where it was supposed to be because those muscles had never needed to hold it there before, or that my hyper-mobility would allow my joints to move around in such a way that would cause this pain.  None of that has anything to do with overtraining.  I am not, was not, have not been overtrained.
No, I can't "go out and drunkface it up while I'm not training."  Maybe you missed the part where standing, sitting, walking, or even sneezing cause sharp stabbing pains in my back and right leg.  
No, you stubbing your toe and not being able to run for 2 days is not the same thing.
Yes, I actually have tried stretching.
No, I probably shouldn't "just ignore it and test out some running."
No, I am not going to "give up running because I'm finally seeing how bad it is for me."  If this leads to me giving up running, it's because I can't bear the emotional hell of being devastatingly injured twice a year for the rest of my life.
Yes, I've tried taking some ibuprofen.
I honestly do know that everyone is just trying to help, and I feel like a complete asshole being angry about it.  If I had a friend who was injured in this way, I would probably send the same kind of useless sentiments her way because I wouldn't know what else to do, either.  And I REALLY do appreciate the thoughts, kindnesses, and support, because sometimes it makes me feel better to get all fired up over how dumb but truly heartfelt and well-meaning people, as a species, can be.  It makes me feel better, like I might actually get through this.
But there is nothing to do here but wait.  It's not a muscle that needs to rebuild over a tear.  It's not a bone that needs to repair a fracture.  It's a joint that got inflamed and needs to calm down.  I get to do a set of 4 core exercises and stretches no more than 3 times a day.  I'm icing for 20-30 minutes several times a day, and yesterday I started trying heat to see if that would help (it hasn't).  I've been taking 800mg of ibuprofen 3-4 times a day, because while I can't honestly tell if it's helping, I don't think it can hurt for this short duration.  And that's it.   
Other than a few short trips out here and there, I've been laying in bed since Saturday afternoon.  Monday evening I tried swimming.  I thought it was successful so I tried it again on Tuesday, along with a PT appointment and a test bike ride.  One of those things brought me back to the level of pain I was at on Saturday.  I tried a pool run Wednesday morning, and when I got out of the pool I felt tight and weird, so I've decided that complete rest is what I'm going to do until I can walk without pain.  Which means I spent the entire day on Wednesday in bed, crying my little broken heart out.  And the entire day on Thursday in bed, not crying my eyes out but definitely feeling incredibly depressed and sad.  I can't even walk out back to see spring.  It's just too much work, and it's too hard to look out and see that I'm yet again missing the first gorgeous days of the year, days that I should be out on a bike or a run, and instead I'm trapped in bed.  For the most part, alone.
It's almost too ironic to mention that my blogiversary is this weekend.  This blog is about to be 1 year old, this blog that I started while I was trapped in bed after shoulder surgery, staring out the window at the gorgeous spring days that I was missing while I recovered.  For a few weeks now I've been thinking about the 1 year post I wanted to do, talking about all the amazing people I've met and ridiculous things I've talked about and how my life has changed because of it, and I am far too broken-hearted to be able to do that right now.  I can't bear it.

15 comments:

  1. At least I'm not the only one who gets emotional when things aren't going right with my body! I haven't felt the same pain as you though. So it could just be that I'm a big baby.

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  2. After a rather uninspired and un-encouraging walk on the dreadmill this morning I came home close to tears and had to listen to Spike's questions about my pain, all varying degrees of the same questions he's asked all week. I know he's just trying to help but I kinda wanted to stab him... so yeah, I totally get how you're feeling. I'm also half tempted to load my broken ass up in my car and road trip down to you and force you to smile even if you sick the dogs on me because I love you, even if I've never met you in person yet, damn it all we are going to get through this (again) and we're in this together even if you didn't realize that and it's really all in my head. :)

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  3. Girl, be angry! We're here for every emotion and all the ups and downs.

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  4. Yup. The pit of despair - I like to think of it as emotional bonking. It sucks.

    And then people keep offering advice -- it's similar to people who keep insisting on calling and visiting and sending food when you've suffered a death in the family and want to mourn privately. It's not helping, but you feel like an asshole for getting annoyed, and then you go further down the spiral.

    It sucks, but it will end at some point. You'll get through it, because what are your other options?

    Now that I've gone on and on regarding how advice doesn't help, I'm going to give some anyway (you may slap me later)

    Being in a situation like this is very much like suffering a personal loss -- you go through stages of mourning -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I've found it very helpful to acknowledge each of those stages and put a clock on them (i.e I will be pissed off and bitchy until 6:00 pm), and then move on. It's horrendous psychobabble, but it does work.

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  5. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess the helpful soul who suggested you try stretching is not a regular blog reader ...

    I think when we are injured (most of us, I'd wager) we try to be positive but in reality we have some really, really dark days where we think the blackest thoughts imaginable in our despair.

    Remember life, and training is a constant process. There is no "I will never be injured again" and there's also no "I will never get better." All we can do is keep moving forward, accepting where we are and planning for where we want to go next.

    You will be back! And the throes of joy you'll feel in those first few runs will be amazing.

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  6. About a month ago, I had what felt like a pinched disc in my lower back. It felt like I just adjusted wrong and it would go away, but it didn't, it got worse. A few nights I couldn't sleep because of the uncomfortable pain. Pills didn't make the pain go away, going to the gym and stretching/back exercises and cardio didn't make it go away, ice/heat didn't make it go away.

    Mom finally told me to go to the chiropractor, but I couldn't fit it into my schedule. After 10 days of this really uncomfortable, annoying, and sometimes disabling pain that NOTHING could fix, it finally wore off. I haven't felt it since. It was very frustrating to not have control over it.

    I can imagine how intensely frustrating this can be for you to happen so close to a big race. I hope you recover in time, It would be great to see you there and run with you (but you'll totally finish first)

    -Mattie G

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish there was something that I could do to help you get better. I'm thinking of you.

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  8. It's okay to get mad - so get mad!
    Nothing but goodness and healing intentions for your recovery.

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  9. Sorry Katie, I know when you are injured, can't see past the pain and need to vent that you'll pretty much chew off the neck of the person who tells you the 800 things you already tried will work magic. I've been chewed through a few necks in the past.

    Thinking of you... :'(

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  10. Dawg, you rock. This blog completely rocks - it is by far my favourite running blog. Even when you're not running.
    And does the fact that I didn't comment on an injured blog post mean I get superbrownie points?? Huh? Huh?

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  11. Hi Katie!

    Nice blog you have here. FYI, I created a community of triathlete bloggers online called TriumphTriathlon.com. It's still in BETA phase right now but I'm trying to grow the community. You could also win free entry into the 140.6 of your choice! Please check out. Thanks for your help and keep up the good work on your blog!

    Make it a great day,
    Ruben

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  12. I get it. I still field at least one comment a week from a kind, well-meaning friend who says something like: "Since you have such bad luck with injuries ... " or "Have you looked at your diet?" BECAUSE ACLS GET WEAK WHEN YOU EAT THE WRONG STUFF (which I dont!). Oooh, I seethe for you! That said, you've nailed the important thing: All you can do is wait and rest. And throwing rest at a problem is something we frequently injured folk know how to do ... hang in there, sweet friend!

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  13. Also, I love this: "Remember life, and training is a constant process. There is no "I will never be injured again" and there's also no "I will never get better." All we can do is keep moving forward, accepting where we are and planning for where we want to go next."

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  14. I have no advice. I just want you to get better. And being mad at advice/people/body in your case seems justified.

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