Monday, October 11, 2010

overwhelmed

I had a pretty perfect day on Friday.  

I got back on my bike, outside, for the first time in 3 weeks.  I didn't look at speed or time, just plugged in my tunes and rode to the Jefferson Memorial and back.  It was a gorgeous morning and it made me so happy to be riding again.  I came home and worked for a bit, and then we went out to lunch at Busboys & Poets with the puppy.  We spent a gorgeous afternoon at the dog park with him, and then got dressed up and went out to dinner at Sweetwater Tavern, my favorite place on earth.  After an amazing dinner, we headed to Murphy's in Old Town where we proceeded to sing our lungs out with the Irish guitar guy and drink our faces off.  A perfect birthday.  I went to sleep happy, feeling loved.

My very good friend Jamie was in town for the weekend, and we spent Saturday catching up, shopping, and generally being lazy.  He had planned to take me out to dinner on Saturday night to celebrate my birthday, so we headed down to the restaurant.  I was shocked, thrilled, and overcome to walk into a room filled with friends and family, all gathered together to celebrate my 30th birthday with me.  The poet had been secretly planning this for weeks, and I had no idea.  

We ate and drank and celebrated.  There were videos from people that couldn't be there, and a hilarious slideshow of baby Katie pictures.  Friends and family had come into town from all over the place, and it was so great to get to spend time with all of these amazing people.  This was the most perfect gift the poet could have put together for my birthday.

And then, in a room filled with all of our friends and family and so much joy, he proposed.

I'm tempted to just end that post here, and to take more time to think and process and work through everything that is in my head.  But in that moment, I was terrified.  My "fight or flee" instincts were yelling: RUN.

Since then, we've finally had the time and space to talk and work through things.  I love our life.  I love everything about it.  I'm scared that things will change, that marriage will destroy our happiness.  I've been married before, and I did everything wrong about it.  And maybe if we had taken the time to sit and talk through some of these fears before moving forward, things would have worked out differently for us.  So, for right now, we are deciding to not decide anything.  We're going to keep thinking and talking and we're going to let life go back to normal for a while, and we're going to give this decision some time and space to breathe.  The thing that is most important, to me, is that there is no reason why we have to do this, why we have to do anything, like everyone else in the world does it.  We're going to do this our own way, and decide to move forward in our own way and on our own timetable.  Our life together is filled with so much joy, and like I said on Friday, I will fiercely protect it.

12 comments:

  1. Oh, boy! I missed more than I thought! Happy belated birthday ... cheers to being mature enough to know what makes sense for you right now!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow that is quite a birthday! I think so many people do things without thinking because they are "supposed to." You are smarter than all of them.
    Happy birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  3. wow! what an unforgettable birthday. impressive that the poet was able to keep everything secret, i am horrible at being surprised or planning surprises...

    i'll be thinking about you as you sort through all your thoughts and feelings.

    ReplyDelete
  4. WOW!!! Very sweet and thoughtful. Do things that feel right to you. You are living YOUR life. :o)

    ReplyDelete
  5. after reading your comment on my blog i realized i still hadnt read this post... needless to say i was smiling, smiling, smiling.... jaw dropped to the floor.
    only you know whats best for you, k. keep smiling... its YOUR story.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sounds like a good birthday to me. That Poet is sneaky. Love your photo.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow Katie, what a birthday surprise. And how brave & honest of you to be so open with the Poet about your fears. OF COURSE you are afraid! OF COURSE you are anxious! What you've been through, who wouldn't be? You've got to do what's best for you for the right now. Sounds like you have a really great guy who is trying to be very understanding.
    No rush. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please know you're in my thoughts!

    ReplyDelete
  8. You look HOTTTT in that pic!
    Big hug to you ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm still kind of bummed that I left just before the big question. At least we got to catch up on Sunday!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Happy Belated birthday!

    On another note, it couldn't have been easy to step back and make either decision - but you two will figure things out your Own way, no doubt. xo

    ReplyDelete
  11. I recommend "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Have you read it?
    Marriage is a pretty complicated topic ~ though I've never-been-married, I believe I understand where you're coming from and admire your attitude and the seriousness with which you approach the subject! I hope to remain happily committed (and unmarried) forever!

    Also, your letter to yourself was amazing, very well written, and truly engaging. Thank you so much for sharing, and happy happy birthday!

    ReplyDelete

COMMENTS. ARE. LOVE!