Thursday, June 21, 2012

three things thursday

1. Thanks to my ridiculously awesome training buddy Sarah, I was able to swap out my regular fancy Reynolds wheels for slightly deeper fancy Reynolds wheels.  I'm sure I just chopped an hour off my bike split because of 20mm.  Also, I think my bike is incredibly sexy.  You can judge me if you want to.  At least my helmet is on straight.
2. Ass shot with absolutely no purpose.
Adorable picture of my dogs wearing clothes (they are sell-outs) with absolutely no purpose.
3. My third Thursday thing is something incredibly annoying that bloggers do when they have nothing else to say (you couldn't tell by #1 & #2?).  No, not a list of random facts or a stupid internet meme, but a repost.  This post (copied below, obviously) was written the second month I had a blog, and it was maybe the first post that had more than one comment on it (thanks, Julie!).  I re-read it the other day, and it blew my mind a little.  See, when I wrote it, I could envision going back, what that would be like.  I could see settling into that life again - and the life I describe below isn't fiction, it was mine.  Now, I'm such a different person than I was three years ago, and my life - this life, our life - has turned into something pretty amazing.  I used to feel like I had to fight so hard for my happiness, and now I'm lucky that it comes more easily.  I'll never try and convince you that my life is perfect, but I will say: it's worth it.

I could do it, you know

"Someone asked on Twitter last night: Why do you run?

Watching the answers go by was a hugely motiving experience.  It's awesome that running is meaningful in different ways to us all.

And then I had this thought.  I could give up, you know.  I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I could just give up on running.  I've been hurt so many times, I could take this as a sign from the universe to just freakin' knock it off.

I could go back to being that 183-lb girl, full of angry discontent, constantly searching but never finding peace.  There are tons of us out there, I'd blend right back in.  It'd be easy.  

I know exactly what my life would be like, because I've been there.  I've given up before.

I'd wake up and have to try on 4 pairs of pants before I can squeeze up the zip.  Walking downstairs makes me breathe hard.  I'd eat my morning breakfast of diet coke and candy bars before driving the 2 miles to work.  

At work, I'd buy breakfast again.  "I just didn't have time this morning," I'd tell my co-workers as we walked down to the caf.  At the register, I wouldn't be able to resist the bag of gummy bears.  They'd be gone by mid-morning, plus some more diet coke, plus another chocolate-covered granola bar.  "Granola is healthy," I soothe myself, "good for me."

At 10am, we break for coffee.  I have tea and a donut - or two - which I eat standing up because I don't fit in the chairs in the caf.  I leave before my co-workers, telling them I have to get back to work, but really it just takes me longer to walk the 200 feet back.

Back in the office, some nubile young thing bounds in the door, brilliant and glowing from a mid-morning run.  "Phew," I say as I wave away the smell of sweat, "don't you know that running is bad for you?"  I'll corner people and explain that I used to be a runner, but it's too hard on the body.  I'll tell them I'm much healthier now.  As I hear the words coming out of my mouth, I don't even believe myself.

At lunch, I eat a salad, but drown it in bacon and dressing and cheese.  I feel guilty about every mouthful, but it doesn't stop me from going back for more.

I'm exhausted by 1:30pm.  I never have enough energy to get through the day.  I have a few more diet cokes, some candy as a pick-me-up.  I take the elevator up one floor for a meeting and am still panting when I arrive.

I have a stressful afternoon, so I stop on the way home to buy a family-size bag of chips and some candy.  "I've earned it," I tell myself, "today was extra rough."

At home I climb into bed and devour everything while reading.  I nod off and end up taking a 2-hour nap.  I'm always tired.

I wake up, hungry for dinner.  I order pizza, Thai, Chinese, or go out for Italian.  I eat every morsel off my plate and still have room for dessert.  

At home, I sit on the couch, panting slightly.  I see a commercial for ice cream, empty half the tub into a bowl, and suck it down.  I climb into bed, wiped out from my day.  I don't sleep well because I wake up often. 

This could be my life.  I could give up.  I could move quietly through life, not making a dent, and the only sounds that the universe would hear from me is the sound of my thighs gently rubbing together as I walk.  There would be nothing in my life that would make me feel alive, vibrant, strong.  I would just be quietly passing the days until death.

I'll probably fight injury my whole life.  My orthopedist says, some people just get injured a lot.  He's gonna put my picture on the poster.  I might never complete that half-marathon I've done 80% of the training for a dozen times.  My PR might be everyone else's recovery pace.  I may never cross the finish line before the guy pushing the triple-stroller with 90-lbs of toddler in it.  But without running, I don't know how to be alive.  I need to run like I need water, like I need sunshine and breathing, I need to push out the pavement and sweat and cuss and cry and be a champion when I cross that finish line, even if I'm last, even if no one can see it but me.  I'm not whole without it, I'm constantly searching for something, something, but I can't find it, and then I get back on the road, and the universe makes sense again.  I need to have something to fight for, to struggle against, to triumph over, I need a reason to believe that I'm worth this life I'm living.

I have an e.e.cummings quote tattoo'd on my back, and it's the best and most important thing I've ever done for myself.  But there's another quote that I keep telling myself:  "To be nobody-but-yourself, in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you somebody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

This is why I run.  Because I'll never stop fighting."

30 comments:

  1. #3 brought tears to my eyes. You are an amazing woman. Part of me wants to say "go out there and kill that race", but really I just want you to go out there and have an amazing experience (if killing the race comes as part of that, bonus!)

    Safe travels, my friend!

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  2. Yep. 20mm is definitely an hour faster. Proven.

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  3. You and your bike are sexy. Have a great race this weekend. Can't wait to hear about it. I'll be home celebrating my birthday and thinking of you all day.

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  4. That bike does look sexy! Good luck on your first IM! You should definitely rock it with that bike! :)

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  5. Definitely sexy bike.
    Enjoy the journey!!!

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  6. Very sexy bike. And you look so FIT! Definitely ready for this. GO GIRL!

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  7. In three short years you go from that post to one that says I'm A Fucking Ironman. That is living!

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  8. that is a kick ass bike. also, i need one of those shirts for my dog. because, awesome.

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  9. And your final descent into awesomeness is well under way. Please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle. Go get em lady!!!

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  10. There is such a visual discrepancy between the photos posted in this post and your words from a few years ago! You've come a long way from the situation described there as a fighter and soon to be an Ironman in what is apparently the best shape of your life. You look smashing! Now smash that Ironman!

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  11. Great post! They should make a song about your bike (like the she thinks my tractor is sexy song!)

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  12. That was a great post, one worth the reposting!

    I'm excited for you--you sound and look really fit. I think this will be a great day for you!

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  13. That repost is one of the reasons I started following you in the first place last summer. I read that and thought- she KNOWS what it's like, been there. I can relate to this journey.
    I only hope I have even a portion of your drive and commitment to improve. It has certainly inspired me so far!

    Have an amazing day on Sunday!

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  14. Wow. Look how far you've come! Good luck this weekend, I'm rooting for you!

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  15. That repost was perfect as I've never seen it.

    You've got this. In fact, you have even more than just an Ironman title at the end - you have life right where it's supposed to be right now.

    Congratulations not on your future IM finish, but congrats on being right where you're supposed to be.

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  16. Not sure how many times I've read that and it still kills me. Yep, I've been there too. Maybe that's why your efforts inspire me so. I'll be pulling for you this weekend - whatever you do, however it goes, just being there is absolutely kicking arse.

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  17. thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this when you did. the quotation at the end was just what i needed after a crappy day at work.

    best wishes to you, ms. ironwoman!

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  18. I think you're pretty special, you know that? Damn you can put some words together.

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