three susan things thursday

Howdy, folks!

As we all know, Katie’s not always of sound mind. Which is why it should come as no surprise to you that while she’s on vacation, she foolishly left her website in care of me. Come ON...I can barely keep plants alive. Does she really think I can handle this responsibility? I can only assume that when she asked me, she was A) drunk, or B) completely out of other options.
At any rate, I’m here for Three Things Thursday. I’ve noticed lately that Katie has turned down the ranting on here. You’ve observed that, too, right? Quite frankly, I’m disappointed and bringing snarky back. Here’s three rants I just gotta get off my chest:

1: Beware the Mommy Blogger
I’m getting sick of going to my favorite health and fitness websites and discovering that it’s now a mommy blog. I get it – people hump, babies come out, miracle of life, yada yada – but don’t continue to present yourself as a fitness writer if 80 percent of your writing is now about the current or former contents of your uterus.

What’s even worse is when those now-mommy bloggers look at me and smugly ask “So...when are YOU hopping on the baby train?” Apparently there’s something wrong with my decision not to have children. I’m not saying that having babies is bad, it’s just not for me. Don’t say I’m a bad person, and definitely don’t pity me. Listen, I have boobs that don’t sag or leak, and a vagina that can crack walnuts. Baby train? Pssht...please. I’m on the (clean and quiet) express jet to Happyville.

2: Sneak Your Meat Elsewhere, Please and Thank You
If this reading is your first introduction to me, then you should probably know I’m a vegetarian. I’m not one of those preachy in-your-face types who hand out brochures and throw red paint at people, but I do write for a website called No Meat Athlete, where we’ve got thousands of runners and triathletes who happen to think plants are pretty damn great.

Outside of No Meat Athlete, I know very few vegetarians, and I don’t try to force the life on anyone. It’s not my place to dictate what goes in your body. You’re a big kid. I trust you can make those types of decisions.

So why, then, are people so consumed with getting me to try meat “just one more time?” I don’t get it. On more than one occasion, I’ve had people bring me lunch or a snack out of “the goodness of their heart.” The strange conversation usually goes like this:

ME: Oh, thanks! That’s so sweet! I’m not hungry now, but I’ll dive in later.
THEM: Don’t be silly. Eat now!
ME: I’m really not hungry.
THEM: I insist! I made it especially for you.
ME: Umm...okay. <Takes a bite> Wow, that’s great. Thanks! I’ll eat more later!

Seriously, people...I don’t care what you eat, I think we can all agree that’s a dick move. Get a hobby, for cryin’ out loud.

Recently, Katie took on a very important platform in endurance sports: The Whiner. You know the type I’m talking about, don’t you? The one who CONSTANTLY hops on Twitter and Facebook to inform everyone and their uncles “I haaaaaave to run 7 miles today. I don’t waaaaaaaana. Someone come maaaaaaake me. Pleeeeeease. It’s so haaaaard.”

This makes me want to stab a bitch, okay? If you follow it up with my most hated acronym in the history of the world, “LOL,” I will come and stab you again with my stabby knife.

C’mon, guys. No one is making you train. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. We all have those rough days. Certainly all of us are guilty of whining once or twice, but if every single time you talk about your training, you’re complaining, perhaps you should find a different activity for a while. 

I am joining forces with Katie as we combat this epidemic of whining. If we must, we will host a telethon, design a line of silicone bracelets, and hold charity runs all over the world to share one very important message:

Man the fuck up. Or, if you can only read the texty-speak: MTFU, LOL!

Thank you, and good night. If anyone needs me, I’ll be raiding Katie’s beer stash until I’m not so angsty anymore. If you see me passed out in her backyard, please put me inside before the mommy bloggers get to me.

Susan Lacke enjoys boxy wine, triathlon and harassing undergrads. After lunch she wears a cape, fights crime and dabbles in feng shui.  She can eat just one potato chip, never abuses the word "epic," holds her line, and will always, ALWAYS, tell you when your ass does, in fact, look fat in those jeans.  


  1. It's all fucking brilliant. Every. Last. Word.

  2. This! All of it! Particularly #2!

  3. This just made my day!! Excellent points and I learned what MTFU means, wheee! Hopefully you won't whine about my exclamation points and I won't talk about Katie's nipple.

    1. This is a safe place. Exclaim with glee!

    2. why are we not talking about my nipples? NIPPLE.

  4. Um, I absolutely LOVE this! I totally appreciate someone willing to say every one of these things and not be afraid to post it out there. Thank you. And by the way...I am 100% in agreement with you on #1. Why do people think there is something wrong with you if you don't want kids?!


    Not vegetarian myself but what the hell would someone do that?? *slap* that's just wrong.

    how about STFU too. S being for SHUT. Don't want to train, don't. PERIOD

  6. My favorite author posting on one of my favorite blogs......two worlds collide and the smile across my face couldn't be bigger.

    Love your rants and they are all so f'n true.

    Nobody forced you to have kids so don't try to make me have them too. Nobody forced you to swallow that cow so don't force me to. Nobody forced you to train so don't bitch about it.

    WTF is wrong with people? Seriously what is wrong with them? I feel a Friday Rant Post coming on now.....

  7. But don't you miss BACON?! That's my favorite question from the carnivorous...OMG I could NEVER give up meat. What do you eat? It must be SOOO hard!

    Amen to all of the above!

    1. When people ask me what I eat, I always answer "birdseed." If they take me seriously, I just stare at them and walk away.

  8. i love this! but then, i enjoy katie's blogs and i also think susan is hilarious. this is a perfect combo.

  9. HAHAHHAAHH "I’m getting sick of going to my favorite health and fitness websites and discovering that it’s now a mommy blog." BOOM! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Instant remove from Reader. Johnny spit up again *yawn*, my cat can hack up hairballs the size of your child's head. I need to add a "Stabby Knife" holder to my water belt jobber. Thanks for the a.m. laugh!

  10. Can i add my own rant....."Your too skinny, you must be anorexic!"
    NOOOOO i am not, i am not too skinny I am just not FAT (and you might remember my two sisters who tell me this)....I am sooo sick of hearing that...and I could stand to lose a few pounds btw...
    You rock

  11. Awesome. I love a good rant.

  12. 1. They all just want you to be as miserable as they are. Oops, did I say that out loud? (Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. They are just not always sweetness and light.) And I've been a mommy fitness blog from day 1, so I'm probably not even a blog you've ever stopped by. ;o)

    2. People are rude. 'nuff said.

    3. I whine sometimes. Today? I'm begging for the peace and quiet of a nice long run. Begging.

  13. I'm glad to know there's another walnut cracking vagina blogger still left out there. ;)

    The people who try to trick you into eating meat are not nice people. You should trick them into eating poo. Bake some dog poo in a brownie and shout "YAY YOU LIKE POO!"

    1. Why did I not think of that before?!? Genius. Simply genius. I don't have children, but I DO have three dogs. Please excuse me while I get in touch with my Suzy Homemaker side.

    2. Walnut cracking vagina blogger - I am going to proudly add myself to the mix if you two allow me. My kids took tha shortcut, thankyouverymuch.

      The people who disrespect your choices, whatever they are, should be stabbed with a fork in the eye and have them eat it afterwards.

  14. Whenever people who have kids tell me that I'll change my mind about not having kids, I want to tell them that they might change their mind about having kids, too.

    Also, can you pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease make me go do my 2 mile run. ZOMG I DON'T WANT TO. lol.

  15. ahhhhh I have been wanting to write about the freakin mommy bloggers and for everyone to stop asking me why I don't have kids....thank you thank you for having the balls to say what I don't :)

  16. Susan - every article/blog I read of yours is absolutely hilarious. It always gets a great LOL from me ;)

    I have yet to run into a Blog-Gone-Mommy but I will look out for the signs! If you find a way for me to also hide all these people's posts about morning sickness, breast-feeding and baby poo on my Facebook feed I would appreciate that. Oh yes, and Ultrasound photos.

  17. Of course, there are those of us who are carnivores who get nagged to "just try vegetarianism/veganism for month, and see how good you feel...." It does cut both ways.

    1. Nagged and tricked are two very different things.

      And even if you did trick someone..."HAHA that was a VEGETARIAN burrito!" is not at all the same as tricking a vegetarian into eating meat.

  18. Epically f*cking epic (looking for a place to duck and hide).
    In place of MTFU, I prefer HTFU. Enjoy...

  19. Stab a bitch. hell yeah. Awesome post and you are hilarious.

  20. Thank you for going on vacation, Katie, so that Susan could phantom blog for you and I could discover yet another gem of a writer.

    Love the rant, love the snark, and love the TRUTH of it all! Well, #1 & 3 at least, since I'm not a veg. But I would also never try to trick someone into eating ANYTHING. Christ that's absurd.

    I truly believe that those that try to convince us non-mommies that we're missing out, only do so because they are so pissed that they fell for those lines themselves.

  21. I can't decide if mommybloggers are worse than the stroller brigade - you know, you're running on a common and SHARED path and the stroller brigade acts as though no one else on the path matters or has any rights. Drives me f-ing crazy.
    All of our friends (okay, 90%) are having kids, so I definitely get it. But I am definitely on the non-breeding path and just can't pretend to be that interested in the sainted rite of passage that seems to be motherhood.

  22. I would PUNCH anyone in the face who pulled a food trick on me. That's unforgivable and those people really need to grow up.

  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

  24. Wow. Snarky and stabby all in one. Thank you for restoring the original tone of this blog.


Post a Comment