Tuesday, May 14, 2013

it's not you, it's me

You guys, I just don't want to.
Maybe I've worn out my welcome on the internet, maybe I'm getting old and tired, or maybe any original thoughts I once had have since dried up since we moved to Colorado.  Turned into tumbleweeds and blown away.  But I'm not going to make any sulky apologies for being absent or sweeping declarations about being done here on the internet, because if there is one goddamn thing I have learned since I started this blog, it's not to make grandiose promises in print.  Or to really say anything that I would not instead paint on my naked body and walk up and down the street shouting.
So I will say this.  Life is, simply, good.
Part of it is that I don't want to sit down and talk about my training because I feel like I have nothing to say that is new or interesting or exciting.  I ran an hour easy today.  Do you know how many times in the past year I've run an hour easy?  Conservatively, a billion.  Who wants to hear about that?  Not me.
Maybe it's because after living through six solid months of crazy hellish life stress from every direction, I want to make my circle smaller.  I want to keep my loved ones close, I want to wake up and dance through my day and then snuggle into bed at night and let it all go.  I've got a good circle this year, my support system feels solid and mighty and strong.  I know who is in my corner and who is waving from across the street while checking Twitter on their phone.  
The only reason I'm here now is because I felt like I should talk about the fantastic training weekend I had in southern CA this past week, about how awesome it was to chase Anabel's ass up and down and all over the mountains and through the water; to run alone, fifty yards from the ocean I love so dearly; to sit at dinner, three girls, and laugh when one of my old friends that joined us was straight-up horrified at the both the amount of food we ordered and the speed at which we put it down.  You three are so small, he said later in the car, where does it all go?
It goes into pushing off the wall, again and again, laughing at the guy with purple toenails and hoping that actually thinking about streamlining my arms will grab me the 4 seconds I keep dropping (it won't) and leaving 3 seconds behind instead of 5 like the dirty water cheater I am.
It goes into five hours of climbing and descending, standing out of the saddle, heart pumping hard and singing at the absolute top of my lungs, sweat rolling into my ears and butt crack just to get views like this.
It goes into groaning and sucking it up when I start counting women in the last four miles of a half marathon and realize that I CAN catch all of them but two before I hit the finish line.  If I'm willing to hurt, a little, which maybe I'm finally figuring out how to do.
I'm in love with training right now, I feel good about the work I'm doing, but all the work I am doing is all the work I can do.  Steady, day in and day out, load it up, recover it back, over and over, however much I can handle.  I'm only signed up for three more races between now and the end of the year.  All big races, sure, but big or small, a race is just a day.  And I would trade race day - even a brilliantly fun day like I had in New Orleans - for the training days I've had here in Boulder, in California, in a minute. In a second, it's not even close.  Spending all day on my bicycle, chasing Sonja (not allowed to chase her husband), chasing Mikki and Mo, chasing Anabel, chasing whoever will show up to be my carrot, sometimes chasing no one - this is my joy.
This is where my heart is happiest, and full. 
And this, for a while, is where I will be.

22 comments:

  1. i love your words, "Steady, day in and day out, load it up, recover it back, over and over, however much I can handle." they feel like waves on a ocean which is a perfect metaphor for training. waves crashing on a beach, shaping it, moving it, creating it. just like all this awesome training is doing with you.

    keep loving life!!!

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  2. Life looks awesome for you right now - so happy! I do miss sharing fig pizzas with you. Come back out east for a visit and we can do some chasing up SkyMass!

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  3. And of course this is why you are my inspiration and my coach. Because this philosophy is where I want my head at, how I want to feel on a regular basis. Having you as a mentor brings me that much closer every day.

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  4. Happy posts are good. But y'know, whenever.

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  5. Life looks awesome for you now, so who cares if you don't post as frequently! Chasing is fun :)

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  6. You girls had an incredible weekend, glad you had such a good time - I will be back next year for Training 2014!! Working your ass off while having fun is so important to not make training boring and seems like you have accomplished that - I see many good things coming out of this!

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  7. Good for you. Soak it all up and enjoy it. I am heading in that direction myself with IMTX coming and going this weekend then nothing on the schedule as far as races. Just going to do as I like when I like for a bit before figuring it all out.

    BTW - How cool is that bike setup at that restaurant. Just pull up, park your bike and eat like a champion then pedal like one right after.

    Enjoy your life my friend.....we only get to live it once!

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  8. Being happy is awesome. So glad you are.

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  9. daaaaang, you were in my neck of the woods. wish i had known so i could have chased one of my favorite bloggers :)

    anyway, glad you enjoyed your visit (and ... kinda freaky how small the world is sometimes, i'll just leave it at that), and glad you are happy and life is awesome :)

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    1. Next time! I will be back soon :)

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  10. I always think it's a good thing when you don't blog because you're too busy enjoying life. Can't wait to see you later this week! xoxo

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  11. I can understand the impulse to close your circle tighter. If blogging about what you're doing doesn't give you a fraction of the joy that doing it does, then, well, who are we to argue? I'm always happy when you check in because I selfishly like reading it, but whatever, go ride your bike up a hill or something!

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  12. Love. Love for you and your happiness and your work and your life. And your puppies, especially My Graham. :)

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  13. I'm so glad you found your happy place! Physically, mentally, and emotionally you sound so fucking happy and I love it!

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  14. This post made me sighhhhhhhh in so many good ways. Keep on keeping on.

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  15. Did you do the Tour of Long Beach on Saturday? (Or were you just biking in Long Beach that day?) I saw someone that looked like you but I thought there was no way you'd be in So Cal.

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  16. Great trip! Keep up the fun times girl.

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  17. You should have posted a picture of you in your hot pink cool racer dress..speaking of which, we should have taken a picture of that, plus pumps.

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  18. Love this! So much radiating happiness! And, your Cali training weekend looks amazing!

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  19. Being is a solid trade up from blogging. (Though I like blogging, too). Keep on sending those happy vibes into the universe!

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