Thursday, November 15, 2012

in motion

At a meeting a few weeks ago, one of the things we discussed was clearing your mind of all the other things in life that are distracting and concentrating on being present.  It was a moment of clarity, a balancing, a reminder to not get caught up in the future but to focus on only the things that are within my control, and I’ve been trying really hard to stay true to that.  Be present.
When I got offered my new job, our life was thrown into a tailspin of questions, of to-do lists, of realtors and moving trucks and driver’s licenses and road trips and selling furniture on Craig’s List and packing boxes labeled "BOOKS (SCARY)" in hopes that when I pull them out of storage in a few months, I have even a remote chance of recalling what is inside them.  We cleaned out our house, we put it on the market, and I started to pack.
That doesn’t mean that I have lived every moment in perfection and boy oh boy, is talking about your life on the internet the best way to be constantly reminded of your mistakes, your imperfections, your failures.  I’ve been caught up by the speed that everything is happening, how rapidly we've had to make decisions about our new life, time management as the days ticked down.  On Monday night, after a long and frustrating day, I sat on a curb in Chinatown and cried like a baby because I couldn’t make the application that pays for parking work and the credit card machine was broken.  I know I’m not actually losing my mind, it’s just that the emotion of everything I’m going through is building up and releasing and building up and releasing and I’m handling it in the best way I know how.  Certainly not in the best way possible, but I've never been one to be graceful.  I drop wine glasses and get huge bruises on my shin that I can't recall the source of and accidentally offend people with my big mouth, especially when I am pissed off and drunk.  
The plan that we have worked out is that I am going to Colorado, now, alone.  I am not moving alone, I have three of my best friends with me and we are having a grand old time hauling half of my house in a U-Haul trailer (FINALLY) at 55mph across the many wide states of the midwest.  
But my family, my loves, they are home in DC, working and waiting for our house to sell.  I got sent off the front to start my new job and find our next nest, the place where I will make eggplant pizza and set up my trainer and paint the walls blue, where we will be happy for the next many many years of our life.  And we are hoping that all of this lines up by January, because I’m not sure how much I like my life without my superstar husband and my sweet doggies that step on my stomach and chew on my arm and push their heads into my lap and sleep peacefully.  I have lovely friends that live in Boulder and I am sure I will make many more, but for right now I am dreading the moment that these girls board their planes back to the east coast, because they are the last thread that connects me to the life I had there.
The next few days, weeks, months, they are all full of uncertainty.  There are times when I am going to be sad, there are times when I am going to be angry, there are times where I am going to make poor choices and let my hotheaded emotions get the best of me.  But when I hugged my husband in the driveway before we almost crashed trying to back out left, he whispered in my ear, "Don't forget that you are doing this so we can have a better life."  A better life, not just rocking back and forth in the comfortable rut that we have created, but growing uncomfortably in hopes of searching for more joy.  We are being selfish, we are chasing our dreams, and it will be a bumpy road.  
Another one of my dear friends recently posted something about strength, vulnerability, and grace.  She teaches yoga so her thought process differs than mine, but I recently returned to the mat myself and felt a stronger connection than I expected to that part of my life.  When I was in class, I felt some emotions that I usually push away threaten to overwhelm me, and instead I embraced them.  This week I have embraced the sadness, the tears, but also the excitement, the thrill of change.  I am torn about how to feel about the twists in the road I am heading down, but as she explains, I need a strong connection to the earth, an engaged core, and an open heart.  The community I am leaving is one that has both created powerful friendships and been a source of bitterness, pettiness, and anger.  And as the miles unwound in front of me as I traveled west, surrounded by friends snorting with laughter, I could feel so much of the past just drop away.  My head is clear, I laugh easily.
There is peace here.

26 comments:

  1. This is awesome and if you don't mind I may just copy/paste it to my blog and change the travel out west to the words Ironman race.

    Please be safe on the travels through the country and make sure you are taking tons of pics so that you can remember the times you spent in a car going 55pmh with a U-Haul trailer (finally) attached to it.

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  2. There is a direct correlation between the bigger and scarier the change, the greater the reward. You'll be missed back east for sure, but you have so many fun and exciting things ahead. I bet within a month you will be at Dave Scott's Masters and then inviting him over for eggplant pizza like its no big deal heehee.

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  3. This is a fantastic post. My husband and I are living our own sort of adventure after we decided to move from Ohio to Arizona several months ago. I can totally identify with what you've written. It's scary but also exciting. Even after setbacks I know we're on the right path. Good luck!

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  4. We just went through all of this. Selling a house, new job, moving across the country. It DOES get better. And sometimes you just have to let yourself feel what you are feeling. I might have had to take one of those huge furballs with me.

    The Kidless Kronicles

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  5. Liz is gonna LOVE that photo.
    I miss you already.

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  6. Beautifully said Katie. Enjoy that road trip and God love those mountains!

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  7. Oh gosh, you just made my tear ducts overflow. Stay strong, stay true and stay focused. You made a great choice and I am convinced that it will bring a lot of amazing things your way. Just like this amazing day :-)

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  8. Sweet post, Katie. The best paths are not always the easiest. Good for you!

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  9. Cracking post. It's a new adventure, it's the end of nothing. And nothing worth having comes without risk. I mean, just look at sex, right?

    We moved house a couple of months ago, though we were only renting. It's really, really hard - and in the same month I had multiple deadlines, our charity run event, and a trip to Vegas for work. It ain't easy, but you'll work through it. Sho' nuff.

    Oh, I finally blogged, too. First time in almost one million years.

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  10. I needed to read this. I love the way you've tackled the big move, which sounds like it would drive almost anyone insane/to the brink of tears (I think the UHaul debacle alone would). PS - taking notes as I prep for my own big move - you're an inspiration!

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  11. xoxoxoxo my friend.. As always, please let me know if there's anything I at all I can do to help!

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  12. I totally understand!

    In writing a draft of this post, I realized it's probably selfish of me to write it all with "we" given your situation.

    So I'll say this...

    You're doing something that is best for you. You have a job. You have support. You have people to depend on when you arrive. You will flourish. You will do what is best in each moment. Emotions are normal.

    I moved with no guaranteed job. I still don't have one! I had to embrace the uncertainty, and yes, the emotions. My focus and constant was our little girl and the life we are going to give her out here (as opposed to NoVa).

    It hasn't been easy. Utah is unlike anywhere else! There are no Paneras (closest is Colorado!), no Dunkin' Donuts, and no lots-more-stuff things.

    Yet we are where we need to be. Life is better (FAR better) than in VA. Yes, there are a ton of uncertainties and things to be prayed upon, but life is great here!

    Hang in there. Enjoy YOUR journey! :-) Safe travels.

    Oh, and during a particularly uh-what? moment, we coined the phrase... "nothing hit us. we didn't hit anything." It helps to keep the sanity in a UHaul across the country!

    Peace!

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  13. change is definitely scary. definitely. but boulder is great (you know this already) and maybe we will finally meet in person! :)

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  14. Exciting scary awesome changes for you!!!! If I end up where I hope I am headed, I'll be coming on my own with 2 dogs and hoping the spouse and mutt join us. It's hard but you know your family will be reunited and your life together in a new and wonderful place will begin!

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  15. Wow. Great post! The move from San Diego to Austin was the best decision I've ever made in my life, but it was TERRIFYING to uproot myself from a place I thought I loved and move to TEXAS of all places. The thought that got me through was "I can always move somewhere else if this sucks". Sounds like you don't need that though and you've found a great, peaceful place to continue your journey.

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  16. This journey sounds so scary yet exciting. I hope everything back in DC gets wrapped up quickly so your family can be together again. I can't imagine being away from my husband and puppies for too long so I know how you feel.

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  17. Hoping your house sells quickly and your family joins you soon. You are a brave woman making a very exciting move.

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  18. I love how honest you are! Moving is hard... I moved here to hawaii when I was 31 and making new REAL FRIENDS (vs acquaintances) was hard for sure but be patient and it will all happen. You'll get yourself established because you're the type of person who totally has that ability! :)

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  19. I can't even begin to imagine leaving everything but you are a strong person and will make it through, just a minor speed bump :) You got this!

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