Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for most. It is usually many more people in one place than is easy to handle. Someone ends up spending all day in the kitchen working their ass off so everyone else can enjoy a nice meal. It can be tough - especially in families, where we tend to fall into old habits about relationships - tempers flare easily and feelings can be hurt. Family relationships have always been difficult for me, and while I think things have improved over the past few years, it is easy to regress.
Like many, I am sure, I felt stress while I was home. I vented about this stress in a place that I thought was safe. I said things that I was feeling - things that I could never, would never express out loud, but things that I could vent about, even overreact about, and then let go, send spiraling off into the universe to then breathe more easily with these negative thoughts out of my head. And once I had let go, it was so much easier to enjoy the brief time I had with my family. Trying to let the past go. Trying to only bring peace to relationships with a history of difficulties. Trying to banish negative, hurt, neglected thoughts.
Someone, somehow, found these thoughts. Printed these thoughts. Gave these thoughts to my parents. On Thanksgiving.
My initial reaction, of course, was anger. Pain. Sadness. Fear. And the instinct to retreat. As many of you noticed, I shut down the blog. Locked down my social networks. Turned off my phone. Hid in bed and cried for 5 hours. But after that, I got up. I replied to the email from my dad. I tried to explain to him why I would vent. Why I was hurting. And apologized. Tried to find another way to show him that I love him, and my mom, a lot. I heard from my mom the next day. There have been emails. Conversations. I've cried and cried and cried. Old pain, old hurts, dragged up and gone through yet again. I hate that people are hurting because of me. It was never my intent - but I know what people say about intentions. I am hoping that we can find a way to move forward from this. Find a way to show each other love and find peace. I don't know if that is what is going to happen, but I will not stop trying.
I know that I can't hide from it. And after thinking about it, I realized that I shouldn't hide. I shouldn't lock everything down and remove myself from my friends and this community. I receive (and hopefully, give) so much support and friendship through these networks. Cutting myself off from it would be a mistake, now, when I need it the most.
And to the person that did this, I can only say - there is no possible way to misconstrue good intentions from this gesture. There is no way to discover positive intent. The only reason to do something like this is to cause monumental pain and suffering between people who love each other. But I will also say - I have been knocked down by bigger and badder and uglier things that you. And I have gotten up again. I cast no blame, I seek no retribution. The universe is a fair place. You will live the life you deserve. And all those people, the ones that say, living a wonderful life is the best revenge? They are right, and I will live mine.
I am thankful for a father that loves me enough to become angry when he discovers the awful, negative thoughts that I have, the ones that make me feel like a bad person when I look in the mirror.
I am thankful for a mother that loves me enough to try and bridge the gap that has been created by my actions, that tries to show me how she is able to let go of things more and more as she grows older and wiser, in hopes that I can do the same and find happiness and peace.