Monday, November 29, 2010

sucker punch

Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for most.  It is usually many more people in one place than is easy to handle.  Someone ends up spending all day in the kitchen working their ass off so everyone else can enjoy a nice meal.  It can be tough - especially in families, where we tend to fall into old habits about relationships - tempers flare easily and feelings can be hurt.  Family relationships have always been difficult for me, and while I think things have improved over the past few years, it is easy to regress.


Like many, I am sure, I felt stress while I was home.  I vented about this stress in a place that I thought was safe.  I said things that I was feeling - things that I could never, would never express out loud, but things that I could vent about, even overreact about, and then let go, send spiraling off into the universe to then breathe more easily with these negative thoughts out of my head.  And once I had let go, it was so much easier to enjoy the brief time I had with my family.  Trying to let the past go.  Trying to only bring peace to relationships with a history of difficulties.  Trying to banish negative, hurt, neglected thoughts.


Someone, somehow, found these thoughts.  Printed these thoughts.  Gave these thoughts to my parents.  On Thanksgiving.


My initial reaction, of course, was anger.  Pain.  Sadness.  Fear.  And the instinct to retreat.  As many of you noticed, I shut down the blog.  Locked down my social networks.  Turned off my phone.  Hid in bed and cried for 5 hours.  But after that, I got up.  I replied to the email from my dad.  I tried to explain to him why I would vent.  Why I was hurting.  And apologized.  Tried to find another way to show him that I love him, and my mom, a lot.  I heard from my mom the next day.  There have been emails.  Conversations.  I've cried and cried and cried.  Old pain, old hurts, dragged up and gone through yet again.  I hate that people are hurting because of me.  It was never my intent - but I know what people say about intentions.  I am hoping that we can find a way to move forward from this.  Find a way to show each other love and find peace.  I don't know if that is what is going to happen, but I will not stop trying.


I know that I can't hide from it.  And after thinking about it, I realized that I shouldn't hide.  I shouldn't lock everything down and remove myself from my friends and this community.  I receive (and hopefully, give) so much support and friendship through these networks.  Cutting myself off from it would be a mistake, now, when I need it the most.


And to the person that did this, I can only say - there is no possible way to misconstrue good intentions from this gesture.  There is no way to discover positive intent.  The only reason to do something like this is to cause monumental pain and suffering between people who love each other.  But I will also say - I have been knocked down by bigger and badder and uglier things that you.  And I have gotten up again.  I cast no blame, I seek no retribution.  The universe is a fair place.  You will live the life you deserve.  And all those people, the ones that say, living a wonderful life is the best revenge?  They are right, and I will live mine.


I am thankful for a father that loves me enough to become angry when he discovers the awful, negative thoughts that I have, the ones that make me feel like a bad person when I look in the mirror.


I am thankful for a mother that loves me enough to try and bridge the gap that has been created by my actions, that tries to show me how she is able to let go of things more and more as she grows older and wiser, in hopes that I can do the same and find happiness and peace.

16 comments:

  1. The end of this says everything about how you've chosen to take this - a brave face, an honest reaction and still feeling Thankful, as you should.

    xo

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  2. Sounds like you did all the right things to set healing in motion and you are talking it out. That's the most important thing.

    Karma is a bitch. Whoever did that will get theirs - though, they sound like a bitter, unhappy person, so maybe that's already justice enough.

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  3. *hugs*

    You know I'm here for you, babe!

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  4. Wow. I can't believe that someone would do that, during the holidays no less.
    I think your thankfulness and reactions at the end of this post says it all. You are certainly the bigger person and an awesome daughter.

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  5. I'm so sorry this happened, but I think the way you are handling it speaks volumes about the wonderful, kind, and caring woman that you are! Big hugs!!!

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  6. The person who did it only meant to cause unhappiness in others...they have to keep living with their own unhappiness while you move past a moment of discomfort. You did no wrong in venting to people you trust - they violated that safety zone. Awful.

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  7. The person that did that has their own issues to deal with. I cannot imagine anyone being so immature or jealous or both. It's just hurtful to all parties involved. I'm sorry you are going through this, everyone should have a safe place to vent frustrations without being worried that someone would take it to a level it was never meant to be seen at. Thanksgiving should be about the times that we are happy to be with our family and friends and not a time for someone to try to pull some crazy stunt.

    Sorry you have to go through this during the holiday, it's not what the holidays are about. Boo to that person who did that.

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  8. What? Oh goodness, I am SO sorry. You are right, holidays - emotions run high, things get to us. What a crummy thing someone did to you. (AND to your family) I'm very impressed with the way you handled it though. You took the high road and reached out to your parents and most importantly, apologized.
    Hopefully this will help mend those fences in the long run. (even though it totally stinks)
    *Hugs* to you girl!

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  9. wow. my heart aches for you. prayers and wishes for healing heading your way.

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  10. 1) You are awesome, and clearly handling the situation in the best way possible.
    2) Karma is a bitch. That person will get theirs.
    3) Tequila in 4 days :)

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  11. Consider youself bear-hugged.

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  12. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. :(
    Sending u love, hugs and strength.

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  13. I am sooo sorry girlie. I can't imagine what you went through or are. You are a strong, amazing, funny, beautiful, caring, supportive, awesome woman. No one can take that from you. I'm very proud of how you handled this, that person will get the karma they deserve on this one.
    Sorry I didn't call you back today. Bad evening after the gym. Ugh. You have bigger probs, we'll def chat tomorrow. Text me anytime! Love ya! Big hugs!

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  14. Yikes! I'm so sorry. Wes always teases me--he never believes that I only talk about working out with my working out friends. But obviously this didn't come up in all the trainer excitement of Sunday--and I'm sorry it didn't. Because then I could have told you in person that this is the most awful fucking thing I ever heard, that whoever did this to you is a monster, and that I'm glad you and your family appear to be moving past it. And that we all have our family strife, so you're not alone.

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  15. I'm a little behind on my blog reading so am just seeing this. I've already said it in person and will say again that Im so sorry you had to deal with this ridiculous crap. People are just stupid. Period. You're a much bigger and better person, and someday this tattler will see that they dont even compare. Period, again.

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